Words of affirmation, but does she actually believe them? Like novocaine, these words numb what is left of the butterflies in Seth's soul. She wants to know if she is the only girl. She's right to question him. Seth's said those words so many times before not even he can buy what he is selling. Despite wanting to have something so much more, he knows she feels like so much less. And it is far too late to back out now. Obsession is setting in, and it is too late to alter the course.
Another girl elevated to a throne of undeserved proportions. Gorgeous, kind, beautiful, and yet another dose of poison must be injected. Seth is already obsessed. He has memorized every curve, her favorite food, and the way she brushes her hair out of her eyes. She cannot leave because Seth has inscribed her on his heart, branding himself with the aroma of her perfection. Flattery and displays of affection overwhelm his downtrodden heart as he will do anything to immortalize her in his soul. Until the boundary is crossed, the obsession takes over, and the addiction goes too far. Even as complex as humans can be, Seth wants to dig beyond endless valleys to create a goddess out of a mortal until the reality cannot satisfy the fantasy. Then Seth will purge his heart, find another, and begin the obsessing immortalization process once again.
Seth will never find the one because committing to imperfection is a recipe for heartbreak. Even the perfect marriage is a culmination of pain and sorrow. But a mixture of needing to try to do things from a Godly perspective will not allow Seth to jump into a world of indifference, leading to live-in girlfriends that will never cultivate a marriage. Live-in relationships are merely a sign of half-hearted commitment and a lack of faith that the relationship can overcome the nuances of differing bathroom routines.
Instead, imperfect women, who have no reason to feel ashamed for all humans are imperfect, will be analyzed like a buffet of attributes that Seth can construe into perfection. Until, of course, the goddess no longer fondly embraces such overbearing worship and moves forward to a healthy relationship. Then, in a panic, Seth will return to a quick hit of dopamine in a two-minute rush of self-satisfaction at the sight of a child of God exploited for an inconsistent means of making money in exchange for a 20-minute video of immorality. The cycle is inevitable and, as Seth's hand slowly slides to parts meant only for marriage, he knows the point of no return in fading away as another "perfect" girl becomes collateral damage to a man that is out of control.
Why must love cultivate desperation? Patience seems fleeting in a heart that longs not to be broken, yet acts in a way that breaks everything else in the process. Just for a moment, cold breath dancing across the night sky upon a slow exhale, Seth remembers what it is like to love and pursue someone worth more than mere company. To put two vulnerable souls in harm's way from self-ambition in pursuit of growth as a unified being for a more worthy cause. To take the hand of an imperfect partner in love's most trying time and fight together, not needing sexual release to feel validation. To have something that in 50 years that will be more rewarding than what could be done in 50 seconds. But that hope, like the cold breath on a winter night, fades away into a bitter world full of hopeless desires.
Seth ponders his next move, both his former self and current self battling to suffer or satisfy. All the while, finding obsession that breeds emptiness once again.
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